My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Gupta and asked him if he would teach me how toplay.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure."
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 47 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands . . . "
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder . . "
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother in law he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars. . ."
I could well imagine that.
". . and when you're on the green . . ."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands. . "
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter." Putter, Pputter
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Well, golfing is not for me !!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
English at its best!
1. At a Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
2. At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."
3. Doctors' office, Rome:"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
4. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULT."
5. In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
6. On an Indian river highway: "TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
7. In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
8. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
9. In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY, BUT THEIR OWN,GRAVES."
10. Tokyo hotel's rules ad regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
11. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
12. In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
13. In a Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
14. In a Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
15. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
16. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
17. Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
18. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
19. In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
20. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
21. In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
22. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
23. A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
2. At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."
3. Doctors' office, Rome:"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
4. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULT."
5. In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
6. On an Indian river highway: "TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
7. In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
8. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
9. In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY, BUT THEIR OWN,GRAVES."
10. Tokyo hotel's rules ad regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
11. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
12. In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
13. In a Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
14. In a Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
15. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
16. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
17. Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
18. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
19. In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
20. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
21. In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
22. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
23. A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
Its Pun time!
Haven't heard a good pun in a while? This will fix that...
1.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6.No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16.A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18.It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19.The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20.The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21.A backward poet writes inverse.
22.In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24.Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
1.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6.No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16.A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18.It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19.The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20.The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21.A backward poet writes inverse.
22.In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24.Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Friends
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
Life-Woody Allen
'Next Life'
***
by Woody Allen
*
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
.
Then you wake up in an old people's home
feeling better every day.
.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
and then when you start work,
you get a goldwatch and a party on your first day.
.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement.
.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school,
you become a kid, you play.
.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby
until you are born.
.
And then you spend your last 9 months
floating in luxurious spa like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila!
.
You finish off as an orgasm!
*
***
by Woody Allen
*
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
.
Then you wake up in an old people's home
feeling better every day.
.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
and then when you start work,
you get a goldwatch and a party on your first day.
.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement.
.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school,
you become a kid, you play.
.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby
until you are born.
.
And then you spend your last 9 months
floating in luxurious spa like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila!
.
You finish off as an orgasm!
*
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