My one liners - 2013 ( upto 19th Sep)
-19sep-The foreign delegates wished to see the dirtiest part of India. Took them to the Parliament.
-18sep-Banks have reported a huge stink in their locker rooms. Found that customers had packed their lockers with onions.
-17sep-Onam over, bank balance too.
-12sep- Airconditioners are cooling equipments that make you sweat upon viewing the power bill.
-11sep-Strainer= a person who trains others with a lot of effort.
-10sep-An over crowded bus shelter can be called a full stop.
-9sep-With tainted state ministers being confronted on the roads by the irate public, rotten eggs have become more expensive than the regular ones.
-6sep-My two-footed wife and the eight-footed baby spider were no match. She screamed and ran for cover.
-5sep-I reserved two seats for my friend rumoured to be a split personality.
-4sep-Being the owner of a natural wooden face with no expressions whatsoever I was promptly selected to sit behind the Railway Enquiry counter.
-3sep-The other day mid-way at a function my wife came up and said she had a bad headache. My friend asked her whether it was me.
-2sep-To prevent the slide of the Rupee against the Dollar the Indian government has decided to change the name of Rupee to Dollar.
-31aug-Asked the taxi driver to find me a place that gave good food, where I could get the right men to get me anything cheap and in plenty, and where I could see what's happening outside without opening the door. Moments later he dropped me outside the Central Prison.
-23aug-Transparency - the process by which parents bring up their kids without a hidden agenda
-22aug-To attain supreme meditation i went into the Lotus posture. Am on leave today, yet to dis-entangle myself.
-21aug-The sentence I hear the most these days is "This number is busy, please call again later".
-20aug-Today onions even from a distance bring tears to the eyes.
-19aug- I applied for the Environmentalist's award as i am green with envy.
-16aug- Respect all religions since they bless you with holidays.
-14aug-The German engineer who recently came to Kerala with solutions to alternate energy returned disappointed reporting that Keralites were averse to new technlogy, the moment he mentioned "Solar" people walked away.
-12aug-Horror movies should charge only 50% the rate since most watch them with their eyes half closed.
-11aug-I could feel the irony when asked to work out the "carpet area" for "below the poverty line" dwelling units.
-29jul-Green Tea - glorified hot water.
-26jul-Postal Dept. in order to prop up their sagging revenues has hit upon a novel scheme - Write anonymous letters to a hundred people saying" Within an hour send 25 copies by post to your friends and see a miracle happening to you within two days, if you don't await the worst".
-25jul-Public Works Dept. in Kochi means that the public works for the corrupt dept. to fill up the pot holes that crater the city during monsoon.
-24jul-In view of increasing burglary I installed surveillance cameras all around the house. Third day the cameras were gone.
-23jul-At the meeting the MC shouted," give them a big hand!" We did. Minutes later she repeated"Come on give them a big hand!!".Again we did. I returned home handsfree..
-22jul-Minutes are records of proceedings of meetings, normally take hours and days to come out.
-19jul-Can the Russian rifle "Kalashnikov", be found in an English dictionary? Possible. Depends on how large the dictionary is.
-18jul-Claiming I could solve the murder in no time I left all those ordinary mortals to hunt for the clues, took out my lap top and Googled "who did the crime?"
-17jul-I have stopped watching movie channels. For the best in thrills, suspense, comedy and sex Malayalam News channels are the best, thanks to our sporty entertainers, the politicians.
-16jul-I do not know about other places, but in Kochi ATMs are small airconditioned cubicles provided at various parts of the city for the security guards to stretch themselves out and snore. Withdrawal of money is an additional option.
-11jul-Bad speakers in a meeting are a good opportunity to read and reply to all the mails on your phone.
-10jul-The management class taught " Stay focussed". Returning home i changed my glasses.
-9jul-Sitting at the restaurant for a long time expecting to place my order i turned into a waiter.
-Slipper - one who has the constant tendency to step over banana peels.
-Stamp collector - the guy who fell down first and took the whole brunt of footfalls during a stampede.
-4jul-Tips the driving school didn't teach you - Even if you happen to be on the wrong side of the law, glare at the opposite driver as if he'd committed the gravest crime in life.
-3jul- In the mosquito Family Tree they have added humans as blood relations.
-2jul-The glass being half full or half empty is not the issue. The question is what do i fill the other half with?
-1jul-Swiss Blank - the amount of information one can get about the huge deposits in the financial houses tucked away in the Alps.
-28jun-Procrastination- I will learn the spelling tomorrow.
-27jun-Taj Mahal must be real tired after posing for millions of photographs all these years.
-26jun-Postman - a key person in the football team whose goal is to stop them from being delivered into his net.
-25jun-With five and a half feet in length the least i can be considered is as a measuring scale.
-24jun-Handles are stop overs for bacteria jumping from hand to hand.
-22jun-for Iron Man its a "staple" diet.
-21jun-Missng - happened when i went for a walk.
-20jun-Met my old college mate after long years. Both were overjoyed and spoke at length exchanging the past. Just before leaving we eagerly exchanged our visiting cards. I knew he too was dying to remember my name.
-19jun-Credit card - "Neighbour's envy, owner's pain".
-18jun- the way its been raining in Kochi in the past few days, need to decide whether we should build the Metro or the Ark.
-17jun-with such incessant rains lashing Kochi for the last couple of days its time to think whether we need first the Metro or the Ark.
-16jun-The All India Mosquitoes Association has changed the name of their capital Kochi to Kothuchi.
-15jun-He-Man - a person who has been doubly checked regarding his gender.
-14jun-Priceless =the expression that appears on one's face at the shop billing counter upon discovering that his Master credit card limit has exceeded.
-13jun-Curiosity killed the cat. Murder solved.
-12jun-Can moving from one failure to another in the shortest period be considered a success?
-11jun-For the highly stressed its past tense, present tense and future tense.
-10jun-With so many stupid serials flooding every channel on TV i really hope there is some one out there who would be the ultimate serial killer.
-9jun-I really hate a speaker when the guy seated next to me starts to rest his head on my shoulder and begin snoring.
-7jun-Read somewhere that it takes 62 muscles to frown and 26 muscles to smile. At the health club i do a heavy workout frowning and a lighter workout smiling while others sweat it out.
-6jun- Any bets on when and how Sreesanth is going to come out of the prison? Hey! he is asking for a towel!
-5jun-What does Dr.Manmohan Singh call his mother? "Mum".
-4jun-Till two days back it used to be " Ho! Enthoru choodu, oru paniyum nadakkunnillaa." Now it is " Ho! Enthoru mazha, oru paniyum nadakkunnilla."
-3jun-We plan to have a workshop on "How to get rid of Superstition" tomorrow. The session will start right after Raahukaalam is over.
-1jun- Raavana Smiley :-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
-31may-The met dept has predicted heavy rains for the next one week. I can now confidently go ahead with the external painting works of the house.
-30may-Are lottery tickets really lootery tickets?
-29may-Mary had a little lamb, its fleece as white as snow. And wherever that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. Airtel was the name of the lamb.
-28may-rushed down to the car in the dark, got in and switched on the ignition. the engine roared to life drowned by a scream from the side. I turned to look at my wife. Then I screamed. Was she in disguise? No, I had got into the wrong car.
-22may- Right time for parents to get girls married away, gold is heading south.
-21may- i made a resolve to shed weight visiting the health club regularly in spite of being lazy to the core. Memory being poor, to remember the resolution, i bought a book on enhancing the grey cells. Now i don't remember where that book is. Thank God!
-19may-My wife and I decided to be vegetarian for a month. I overheard our canine Socrates talking to his friend across, " something tells me i am in for a recession ".
-18may-Even a non-watcher like me have started following IPL on TV, more than the game I keenly watch all the mannerisms displayed by the players on field.
-17may-Next IPL one more team likely, the Dirty Eleven, straight from Indian prisons.
-16may-Sreesanth.Over.
-16may-Earthquake. Nature's way to bring man down to earth.
-15may-Seeing "Press Here" I pressed, a couple of journalists appeared from nowhere and sat down around me.
-13may-Waist changes to waste as the inches grow.
-8may-Belly dancers graduate from the Navel Academy.
-7may-Bankers, an "interest"ing community.
-6may-Who says plain is simple? I have been sitting for the last one week on a 550 piece jig-saw puzzle of a plain empty blackboard.
-4may-Nothing certain this month, its all "may".
-3may-Indian politicians are the least corrupt in the world. The lie detector connected to me just blew its fuse.
-30apr-Do you often have the feeling that you are the only sensible driver on the road, and all the rest idiots? No problem, we all share the same feeling.
-29apr-Make use of the Italian Marines. Put them on our Navy vessels patrolling the Somalian pirated seas.
-28apr-To think simple looks too complicated to practise.
-27apr-Patting my bald top I looked to see my wife stare admiringly at the guy close by, brandishing his thick and long hair." Nice wig, huh?!", I whispered acidly.
-25apr-The judge had the last word, it was a sentence.
-24apr-He came. He saw. He slaughtered. Chris Ga(y)le.
-23apr-Being a numismatist i asked the tour guide to take me to the coin collectors in the city. He promptly took me to the beggar colony.
-22apr-Mothers struggling their mornings trying to send two kids to school should read Gandhari's "101 tips to grow 101 children ".
-21apr-At a company function the person testing the mike shouted "Check, check,check". Saw a group of people rushing towards the stage. They were the vendors expecting the payments.
-20apr-- With only one child to marry off the matrimonial ad can say " Limited Edition".
-18apr-A narcissist is one who after posting on FB hits the Like button.
-17apr-Home is a place where items with limited shelf life are stored for the rest of your life.
-16apr-With the Heaven above and the Hell below any wonder why we are stuck here with so many middlemen?
-14apr-Vish u all happy and prosperous times ahead!
-13apr-Garib Rath of the Indian Railways is an expensive train that makes one poor after purchasing the ticket.
-12 apr-Dysentry stood near the gate keeping watch, awaiting his replacement, so that he could rush and relieve himself.
-11apr-Chronic horror movie viewers don't need nail cutters.
-10apr-Unlike other jobs successful copy writers get opportunities right from childhood, honing their skills during class exams.
-9apr-At times i go on my wife's FB account and post "Like"s on all my mundane posts.
-8apr-Still remember those days when i used to gape in awe at the typist and the typewriter, magic fingers working on a most complicated machine.
-6apr-Displayed at the restaurant close by:
Tea : Rs.7.00
Without Tea: Rs.6.00
-5apr-"How was the Mafia goonda party?"
"Complete Adichupolichu!"
-4apr-Kerala has plenty of black elephants in the forests and plenty of white elephants all over the state.
-2apr-Mother tongue. Naturally.
-1apr-"How is the yacht?"
"Adipoli!"
Shortly it sank.
-31mar-The march ends today. Tomorrow all likely to make a fool of myself.
-30mar-North, South or West its Easter all over the world tomorrow. Happy Easter!
-28mar-Consuming un-tested blood Dracula looks all set to be tested HIV positive.
-27mar-Yesterday at the railway station heard the public announcement that Kerala Express aane ki sambhaavana hai, wonder which elephant gave away the gift.
-26mar-Bata's dream - millipedes wearing shoes.
-25mar-New borns these days must be learning that life is all about looking at screens, papa at the laptop, mama at the mobile, grand parents at the TV, big bro at the Play Station....
-24mar-when young i was encouraged to remember everything and store them in my mind. Now, growing older i am told to forget the past and not keep anything in the mind.
-22mar-Is 100 metres dash censored?
-21mar-Saw the zebra crossing,think he's Christian.
-20mar-Plenty of liquor stores and health clubs in the tiny state of Kerala ensures the male population being "fit".
-19mar- Why is death by electrocution practised in the US and not in India? Un-interrupted power supply.
-18mar-Having a pair of hands and ten fingers carry some benefits. Covering the face and peeping between the fingers, watching horror movies is one such.
-15mar-Italian marines - Daee poyee daa vannillaa!
-14mar-Conversation overheard on International Women's Day:
Ramesh: These days women have all the attention and importance. See! a day exclusively for women! what do us, poor men folk, have?
Jaya: 364 days.
-13mar-X -Watt is the unit of power?
Y- Yes
X- What yes?
Y- Yes, Watt
X- What?
Y- Yes ..........and thus continued the conversation.
-11mar-Malayalis are called mallus because avarkkoru ellu kooduthalaa.
-20feb-On the train the vendor screamed "Koppi, Koppi!!", thirstily bought a cup, found he was absolutely true, thin and tasteless, it was just a bad copy.
-19feb-i "Liked" pictures of gods, godmen, transparent outlines of them in thin air and in the clouds, all within the specified time of just 3 to 8 seconds, on FB. Looks like i am indeed going to have a lucky and prosperous period ahead.
-18feb-The guys fortunate enough to pore over shapely figures, while on the job, are the accountants.
-17feb-Ego should have been spelled Igo.
-15feb-With so many fraudsters crawling all over the net we could gift them unique ids, for e.g. gettricked.con or loseallyourwealth@africamail.con
-14feb-Call a spade a spade and experience echo.
-13feb-My wife says i am getting handsomer by the day.Decided to postpone buying her the new set of lenses.
-12feb-To err is human, to terribly err is advanced technology.
-11feb-The doctor said I had stone in my kidney. Not bad, considering that now i am in possession of a secret weapon.
-9feb-Celebrity Cricket League match happening now at Kochi. Our team Kerala Strikers, named so owing to the state's inclination towards bandhs, hartals and such forms of entertainment.
-6feb-I am green with envy, blind with rage, black and blue from yesterday's fight, does that make me a physically challenged colourful personality?
-1feb-After joining FB i had the fortune of owning a whole city, a huge farm and a fabulous roller-coaster theme park, though i lost my job building up my empire.
-31jan-My wife has permitted me to have the freedom to say anything, does that make me a free man?
-30jan-Are board meetings wrongly spelled?
-29jan-Alcohol enters the blood stream. So mosquitoes lucky enough to bite the drunk must be flying zig-zag.
-28jan-One being in a particular religion is an accident of history.-
-27jan-No cause for worry if by some chance all the currency mints in India were to come to a halt, Pakistan will supply the same without fail.
-26jan-The Govt. has announced raising the price of diesel by 50 paise every month, that makes 12 hartals ensured in Kerala.
-25jan-Dracula dreads Kochi, too many mosquitoes after his blood, he says.
-23jan-The only place where i find the crowd getting bigger when prices go up is the jewellery shop
-22jan-My wallet is better known as a plastic card holder.
-20jan-Waiting for the doctor to appear after his rounds, at the hospital, i found out the origin of the word "patient".
-4jan-Prisoners behind bars acquire the special ability to read between the lines
-3jan-At Govt. offices "Enquiry" is the counter where you wait asking where the Enquiry Officer has gone.
-2jan-Thanks to FB my wife and i have begun to like each other.
-1jan-Weekly forecast- Major likelihood to write 2 instead of 3 while writing dates on cheques, letters etc, for the next couple of days.
-1jan-Wish you all another 365 days of goodness, happiness and prosperity!
